Surprise!
May
12
You might be wondering whose positive pregnancy test this might belong to and the answer is ME!
Yes, it is quite miraculous! I witnessed my husband’s vasectomy with my own two eyes in 2001. It was very interesting and looked simple enough. I’m sure it’s not one of the more difficult surgeries performed by urologists. Anytime you can chat casually to the patient while they are fully awake watching you cut their balls open to yank out their treasure has to be pretty routine.
After nearly a year of continued use of contraceptives following the surgery I insisted he provide me a sample since he refused to take time for the follow-up, you know, so I could evaluate his goods under a microscope. After my midwife and I saw swimmers everywhere on the slide we sent in the rest of the sample to the lab and the evaluation was that his sample was consistent with a male who had never had a vasectomy. He was quite proud of himself being in possession of an Olympic vas deferens that the Gods themselves must’ve created. I got another shot of Lunelle and made another appointment for a vasectomy.
Again I witnessed his vasectomy procedure. The urologist pulled out of his scrotum this massive ball of… tissue. Each end of the vas — which had previously been cut, cauterized, looped and sutured to itself had found a way to reattach the open ends, revasculate, and once again deliver sperm. This time I watched the doctor cut the large ball of yuck out and do all of the same again, this time pulling on each ends to be sure there was no way they would come together.
That was five years ago.
Since my husband moved to the Land of Milk and Honey in December we have only seen each other twice. Let’s just say we make every minute of his visits count when he comes (oh shut up). I remarked during one encounter that maybe waiting so long in between wasn’t such a good idea… maybe he was encouraging some supernatural activity. So when my April period was weird, which at 38 isn’t the most unusual thing, I raised an eyebrow like I am known to do. But put that with the fact my boobs and low back have been killing me for about a month and recently I wake at night to pee, I had to wonder. Had his vas figured it out again?
I grabbed a urine pregnancy test (yes I have them, I’m a midwife remember?) and peed on the stick. In seconds both lines were lit up for a Christmas ’07 baby and I was shopping for Maya Wraps, cloth diaper covers, a new Peg Perego stroller, and a crib from IKEA. And this time his name would be Rush (or maybe Caleb) or her name would be Ava (or maybe Esme). I mentally dropped out of school and dropped the pressure to do more difficult math and physics. I planned on a baby/family-friendly midwifery practice where my chubette would sit on the floor playing during office hours. And I stopped remodeling because who knows what teratogens I am exposing my developing fetus to? How funny that my son just asked for a new baby… and how weird this is happening when I am moving back to where my midwife is. I will finally have that unassisted — not unattended — birth at home.
Let’s just say my husband was none too pleased to hear this news and demanded I take another test. I suggested that maybe HE is the one who needs to take a test since clearly he is the one with issues if I am getting pregnant by a vasectomized penis. And no, I have not had relations with anyone else. Who has time? Besides if he managed to get me pregnant, clearly the world needs this child.
So I arranged for a qualitative hCG blood test (simply “yes or no?” test; blood more accurate than urine) and dropped it off at the lab and waited for the results.
Later my husband was apologetic and conceded it wasn’t my fault (duh!). And begged me to call him first thing. He also told me to consider a career change and become a full-time writer. I encouraged him to buy a lot of film because this is going to be one hell of a documentary and podcast on home birth and midwifery!
Well, I’m not pregnant. Since I am not on any medications, not taking fertility drugs, clearly I had a false positive. Or a defective test. Or whatever.
Anyway, it was a LOT of fun to fantasize about all the possibilities. I am slightly disappointed but that is outweighed by the relief I can continue life as it is without starting all over with a baby at age 38. I catch babies for women older than me but they have usually completed their education, have fantastic jobs, and now it’s time to start a family. I still have all my goals to meet. Meanwhile, my husband peeled himself off the ceiling this morning after hearing the news and changed his underwear. He can face the future again with a positive eye knowing it will not involve buying me a hip maternity wardrobe worthy of pregnancy in the Land of Milk and Honey, not sleeping at night because the baby is between us, driving a more gigantic car than ever to fit all of us, and never having any money or “us” time.
I am going to paint now and savor every chemical whiff I take in knowing I am only doing damage to myself. I am also going to thank God. My oldest just came in the room blathering on about Super Target with her hands on her hips, “CAN WE GO ALREADY? GEEZ. I’M SO BORED. I WANT TO LOOK AROUND. ALL YOU DO IS WORK ON THE HOUSE. I’M HUNGRY. WE NEVER DO ANYTHING! EVER! GOD! HUFF-PUFF-SIGH-EYE-ROLL”
…and Ps: If this particular test were really positive it would have a + in the first window. Joke’s on all of us!
May 12th, 2007 at 10:37
Oh geez. That’s a crazy rollercoaster! Makes me want to rush out ot have my man retested! Sorry you weren’t pregnant and also glad for New Stages in Life
May 12th, 2007 at 12:06
Man, you CANNOT tell my husband about the first failed vasectomy. That’s our ultimate plan for no-more-kids, and if he knew it sometimes didn’t take, I’d never get to throw out my damn diaphragm.
May 12th, 2007 at 1:58
OMG!!! I was so excited! But I knew exactly how you were feeling with thinking you were done long ago. What a ride you’ve been on. Are you SURE the blood test was accurate? Maybe they switched your sample with somebody else’s.
Ya’ never know.
May 12th, 2007 at 2:44
OK, you got me. I didn’t finish the post before I took the bait. You should write full time anyway. I was asked recently if we were planning on more children and I said no, I am not sure I can make a living sitting in a corner and rocking, hitting my head up against the wall. After 9 children, I think it is time for the factory to be closed.
May 12th, 2007 at 4:19
Dang girl! You had me going there, until I opened up the rest of your post. How are you feeling about it? Happy? Disappointed?
May 13th, 2007 at 12:14
Not funny.
May 13th, 2007 at 8:07
Here’s the funniest part of all, which any pregnancy message board obssessor would’ve caught: If the test stick were really positive it would have a + sign in the first window. I don’t know when they switched to pee tests for dummies! I’m used to “two lines means you’re pregnant”, none of this cheating with algebra. So hahahahahaha on me! Duh. Duh. Duh.
May 13th, 2007 at 12:38
Damn, I’m dissapointed!
I thought it would be a blast to be pregnant with you. 
May 14th, 2007 at 12:15
Too bad . . . if you’d have had 5 kids
I might have taken your dog.
For future reference: April 1st.
Mother Mary Mom
May 15th, 2007 at 6:19
And I was all set to offer commiserating congratulations!
May 15th, 2007 at 8:46
Hey Cass! I didn’t know you were also MotherofMany!
You’re all sneaky like 
May 18th, 2007 at 1:56
What a funny post… and what a whirlwind of emotions! Thanks for sharing.
October 11th, 2007 at 7:46
yeah, i seen the test, and i was like that’s not positive lol.
December 11th, 2008 at 11:33
Actually I’m pretty angry about your post because I took the same test this morning and got the same results and you had me convinced that I was pregnant. So basically I’m pretty bitter.
December 11th, 2008 at 2:24
You’re bitter because I’m stupid? Wow. Now I’m bitter too. Sorry you’re not pregnant Laura, all the best to you.
April 8th, 2009 at 5:51
ok is the picture of the possitive test you have up an EPT?? becuase i just took a test this morning, i’m pretty young, a senior in highschool and that is EXACTLY what my test looked like this morning, a friend of mine just dropped off the individually wrapped test last night w/ no box or instructions and so i’ve been googling images all morning. so if mine looks like that am i pregnant??
April 8th, 2009 at 12:05
Read the whole entry, it’s a NEGATIVE result if your test looks like mine. I read it wrong.
December 29th, 2009 at 9:38
Ok soo I’m 15. I took this same exact pregnancy test and it has the same exact lines as the picture at the top of the page. Does this mean I’m pregnant or not? lines look like so> (–) (|)
December 29th, 2009 at 9:44
You’re not pregnant if your test looks like mine. It would be like this: ( | ) ( | ). Now stop having sex with boys and wait until you’re older and they appreciate the gift of your body!! Or if you can’t, go get yourself condoms and the pill. Sex can give you cancer and sexually transmitted infections that last forever these days!!
January 1st, 2010 at 12:38
Hey i am 17 and i took the ept test and if you have a
- / ]
in the circle is – line side to side
in the squar is ] line up and down
you are NOT pregnant
so dont worrey
— edited by FRECTIS to add the “NOT” —
January 31st, 2010 at 3:29
i took the same test and it has the same lines does it mean i am ?
January 31st, 2010 at 3:58
NO. You’re not pregnant. This was a humor-filled, sarcastic entry highlighting the pitfalls of panicking and jumping to conclusions instead of reading the pregnancy test instructions.
I hope you will use condoms and contraception if you’re not over 21 and not married! (yes, I’m biased to thinking that’s a better way to go)
January 31st, 2010 at 4:49
Hello, Please understand that my intention here is not to be mean, but i must request that you take down this post or at least the accompanying image. As you can see from the comments posted here, many people who view this page have obtained a false perception of what a positive pregnancy test looks like. Pregnancy is a very emotional topic and the last thing people want is false information that can cause undue panic. For this reason i think it is only fair to the public to remove or mark the false information. Thanks, Jason
January 31st, 2010 at 7:41
Thanks for your nice request, but no thanks. I won’t be altering this post in any way. It’s up to the reader to see the humor in the entry and up to the user of her pregnancy test to read the directions entirely before freaking out and searching the blogosphere for advice (this isn’t the place to get it as you notice). Working with pregnant women is my JOB and you bet I know how sensitive the subject is. And I know how much humor there is too. And this entry is fucking funny. I hope you wear condoms if you’re not married so your girlfriends don’t come here looking to find out if you knocked ‘em up or not!
April 14th, 2010 at 7:00
that test is negative
April 14th, 2010 at 3:40
I know!
June 13th, 2010 at 2:54
I agree with “Jason.” I’m not a teenager. I’ve been hoping and praying to have a child, and I have a stockpile of tests. We weren’t sure if our results were positive or negative, and so I looked it up. Yours is one of the FIRST results… and you call it a “positive test.” It’s not funny, and my husband and I think it’s crude and inconsiderate of you.
June 13th, 2010 at 3:04
“Mary”, best wishes to you. I hope you will save the directions of your pregnancy tests so you won’t have to do a blog search. Had I saved the directions, this entry would never have been written. Thanks for visiting my blog!
July 13th, 2010 at 6:42
I also have a problem becoming pregnant, but I think this post is hilarious. This is her personal blog and is not in any way inconsiderate to others just because they happened to cross this blog looking for test results. I read the directions each time I take a test, as everyone should; I believe it to be common sense…